I realise it has been a while since I last wrote on here, and I am sorry for my extended absence, but a lot has been happening that has prevented me from writing, or rather has had my muses on hold. First of all I want to thank you all for continuing to follow my blog despite this long absence and secondly I want to let you all know about my new blogging adventures which I hope you will all take with me.
As many of you who have read my poetry may be aware I tend to write mostly about darkness or deep, some might say, depressive subjects. That’s mainly what I want to address in this article, as my moods when I started this blog very much influenced my writing style. I am not one for opening up to strangers, but in this article I want to talk a little about depression and how it has inspired me to eventually begin my new adventure in blogging.
Yes I do suffer from depression, but that is not the whole story. I also suffer from hyperness, and it is in those times that I am the most productive. When I am depressed I do write a lot of poems and often add more to my mms, but it is when I feel more happy that I gather together my work and decide what I feel confident about posting. A lot of what I write never makes it on here, mostly because I am very critical of what I do, but all writers are, so nothing different there; but I do tend to be over critical and worry a lot about offending or annoying people. However of late, thanks to a new positive influence in my life, I have been able to finally realise that being me is not a bad thing and if people don’t really like what I write they don’t have to read it. Thus the beginning of my new adventure!
For me writing is a progress, just like life, and lately I have been having to re-learn a lot about me and about my writing. Like I said I worry too much about it being perfect or what others might think, but with my writing I came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t worry because after all I am not making any money out of it; I am not dependant on an income from it. So therefore I should be able to post what I want and be the writer I want to be. I have also come to the conclusion that I should live my life in that way, like I used; more happy and carefree, with a determined attitude that saw me through the worst of times. Due to personal circumstances over the last 10 years I lost that part of myself. I won’t go into details here, as I feel that would not be fair on the people involved in my life at that time, but suffice to say I now have a positive influence in my life again that is allowing me to be me for the first time in a long time. And this is what I want to talk about, how being you without feeling ashamed is important.
It worries me that today too many people are influenced by what they see and hear on TV and read in magazines, that they feel that they need to behave in a certain way in order to fit in. I was never one for trying to fit in, but I was influenced by some of the people around me and I ended up suppressing my true self to please them. The result was that it affected my depressive cycles, for want of a better term, and I feel made them more present and perhaps darker. I am normally a fighter, but suppressing who I was and being made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of my depressive and hyper moods made me pull into myself and fold myself away. It made me withdraw from everyone and almost everything to the point that I just didn’t really know what I wanted any more. It made me numb.
I have however been lucky as I got away from the negativity and met someone that has shown me that I should not be ashamed of who I am, that my depressive side is just as important as my hyper side, that without them I can not be me. That I should not fight them or try to hide them away that I am important and I deserve happiness. And this is what I want to express to you all and anyone that wants to listen; that if you suffer from any form of mental illness do NOT hide it away, by doing that you are letting it define you, you are letting it rule you. Be who you are and eventually you will be able to find a balance. I am not saying that this is easy, nor will it happen over night. But by not fighting it and accepting it, you fight to hold on to you. By allowing yourself to be free you bring positivity into your life, and it’s with that positivity that you can find a little bit of peace. For everyone it is different and I know that the whole positivity speech has been said over and over again, so I won’t go on about that any more. What I want to focus on is not being scared of being you, who you are, flaws and all. It takes guts to be like that and when you do and accept your flaws, they cease to be flaws and then that is when you can use them to your advantage. This goes for everyone, not only those that struggle with depression or any other mental illness, but for all of you no matter your struggles in life. I don’t want to preach or judge I just want to help, and I am hoping with my blog I can do that. I will still post poetry and when I do eventually finish my novel, I will post extracts from it too. But I will also talk more about what inspires my writing and a little of what’s on my mind.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask questions or give advice or responses, all input is welcome.